Sigh. My therapy practice and the practices of my colleagues have been filled with trauma recently. Unless you’re completely off-grid, I imagine you already know why. The recent hearings for the US Supreme Court have included a deluge of images, confrontations, and discussion about sexual assault. As a result, many women, of all political leanings, have come into my office or called in tears having had their own memories of assault triggered.
It’s sad and heavy.
But, honestly, it hasn’t been overwhelmingly sad or heavy for me. I’m a therapist who specializes in neurodiversity and trauma. I’m accustomed to sad and heavy. I’m trained to walk with people through horror and human atrocity.
No. The overwhelming sad and heavy came to me through a seemingly simple story. A version of a story that happens thousands of times a day.
A teen girl was sitting at lunch. A male friend was sitting near her and started “tickling” her side, poking her in the waist. She asked him, politely, to stop. He did not. Other friends were egging him on. She asked him to stop, firmly. He did not. Other friends kept egging him on and started catcalling her. He took a chip clip and clipped it onto the waistband of her jeans. She ripped it off, stood up, shouted, “I told you stop!” and stormed out of the lunch room. She heard him call, “Relax! You’re such a bitch!”
Feeling a bit shaky, the girl sought comfort from a couple of trusted adults. They told her, “Well, if your shirt was longer he wouldn’t have been able to get to your waistband” and “If you want friends, you just can’t make a scene like that over something so little.”
Cue the anger and nausea in my gut.
This is where it starts.
This is how it happens.
This is a snapshot of the rape culture we keep hearing about.
It isn’t just in the handsy drunk guy or the date rape. It isn’t just in the marital presumption of sex on demand or the ridiculously sexualized clothing for young girls. It’s this. The shaming of a girl for standing up for herself. The expectation that she shouldn’t get pissed off when someone touches any part of her she doesn’t want them to. The message that it was her fault for wearing a waist length sweatshirt.
And the worst part? The worst, most shaming comments came from a woman. An adult woman.
Now before we get all disgusted and judgmental, (Ok, maybe now that we’ve gotten the disgusted and judgmental out of our systems), let’s look upon this woman with compassion. She obviously has been indoctrinated with these beliefs herself. She obviously carries the shame and anxiety and fear and desire to people please above her own wellness and empowerment. She’s only repeating what she’s internalized and was trying to say things to protect this girl she cares about in the only way she knows how. Teach her to hide. Teach her to anticipate unwanted affection. Teach her to blend in and be nice.
And certainly, by all means, teach her to avoid being seen as a bitch. Historically, women are meant to be quiet and demure. They are meant to be the angels of the household. They are meant to be soft and gentle and agreeable. Every once in a while, a young girl or woman might “step out of line”, assert herself, have an opinion, stand firm in her opinion. Which, of course, is unacceptable by society at large. But, don’t worry, name calling will put her back in her place. Particularly if we equate her to an animal. Bitch.
I was talking about these issues with my 13-year-old son (because, yes, this is a conversation that needs to be had over and over and over again with ALL of our children regardless of gender or sex), and he made the observation that he’s seen women put down other women and perpetuate rape culture more than he’s seen men do it. Don’t worry. I schooled him off of his white male privileged high ground, but I also had to agree with him. And teach him about the severe damage of internalized oppression.
So, c’mon mamas. We need to change the message. We need to be mindful of what we’re passing on.
And daddies, you aren’t off the hook, either. You need to change the message. You need to be mindful of what you’re passing on.
Personally, I’m going to swallow my own desire to people please. I’m going to allow the discomfort of having people view my daughter (or me! gasp!) as a bitch. I’m going to teach her to stand out and make noise. I’m going to teach her to be and look however the hell she wants to. I’m going to teach her that she does not have to tolerate behavior she doesn’t like from other people. I’m going to teach her to be a bitch, because I’d rather teach her to be a bitch than teach her to feel her body isn’t her own.